What’s the Point?

Last year (2012) I decided to make little wooden boxes for my kids, and grand kids.  The idea came to me as I listened to “The Littlest Angel,” by Bing Crosby about 2 weeks before Christmas.  That Christmas carol has always been one of my favorites…if not my favorite.

So, out into my shop I went.  I selected a specific wood for each kid; a specific wood I related to each kid.  Then I began cutting, fitting, assembling, sanding and finishing.  And after 4 or 5 days, I was finished.

BoxesEver so clever, perhaps cleverer than most, I decided to include a line from the carol that would only make sense when the boxes were lined up in the ‘proper’ order.’

DSCN1544 “…But the Lord chose the gift of the little box that a child had blessed with love…”  Words that have brought tears to my eyes so many, many years.  Tears I’ve shed alone, in silence…

On the table you can also see a few things that were once my treasures.  A flying glove, my USAF Senior Pilot wings, an Air Force Commendation Medal, and the broken wings I was awarded at UPT graduation.  (Legend held if we broke our wings on the ground, we would never break them in the air.)  As with the wood, I chose something special “of myself” to include with each box – things that I have held on to for years.  Each kid got something ‘of me’ that I thought ‘appropriate’ for them.

And I managed to get everything together in time for Christmas!  Keith and his family was easy – they live here in NW Ohio.  Dana and her family live in Colorado – but they received their little boxes before Christmas.

I can’t remember the sequence of events but Dana told me she figured out the line from the carol – she figured out the sequence of the boxes.  She went on to tell me that she thought I was ‘dying’ because I had given her my college class ring –  that it had brought tears to her eyes.

I then asked what the girls thought of the boxes, and she told me she was holding off giving the boxes to the girls.  She had a ‘reason,’ but I shut down ‘my listening ears’ as it didn’t mean anything after that – and I pretended that it didn’t matter.

I was out in Colorado this past summer and I happened to ask if the girls ever got their boxes.  I think they did, but it all missed the point.  How wonderful would it have been had the girls sat down and asked of the significance of the treasures included with their boxes?  How cool would it have been to have shared the secrets of my treasures with them?  And to see what they have in their little boxes – boxes that a “child blessed with love…”  A 66-year old child who is still a little boy at times… Today I wonder, ‘what’s the point?’

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Christmas in 1962…

It was a bleak, cold, dreary Christmas at Chambley AFB, France in 1962.  Chambley is in Northern France, in the Alsace-Lorraine district, just south of the German border.  Dear Old Dad was stationed there as part of the NATO/Air Force buildup during the Berlin Crisis.

We arrived in October 1962 and at Christmas we were still living in the BOQ (Bachelor’s Officers Quarters).  We had 4 rooms; one for my sister, one for Mom and Dear Ole Dad, and one for my brother and me.  The forth room was used for storage.

At some point during he lead-up to Christmas Dear Ole Dad call me aside and told me that “things were tight” that year – financially.  He went on to tell me that because I was 16 and had had ‘good’ Christmases, he and Mom were going to give most of the gifts to Bill and Deb.  I could see it was tough for him, and I was somewhat embarrassed for him – but I knew what he was saying.  And I ‘pretended’ that it didn’t matter…

And true to form, that year I received one gift – a metal Ford car that had to be assembled with nuts and bolts.  In actuality it was a neat gift, and I held on to it for a fair few years.  Then it somehow went by the wayside…

I wish now that I had held on to that car, as it was ‘special.’  I think I may have thrown it away, in anger, when I went on active duty in 1968 – when I left Gram’s house after graduating from college.  Little did I realize at the time, how my anger was evolving.  It is very clear now…

Instead of being mad at Dear Ole Dad for “being left out” (I suppose), I think I would have gained so much more in Life from feeling gratitude – that I received what I did… But I was a kid in those days; insecure, immature, scared and self-centered.

But today I can still see that car.  I can feel those tiny nuts and bolts and I am grateful…

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Recovery – The Trip Home…

I got out of Hazelden on 28 August 1994.  Felt real good.  When I got to the airport I passed by the usual “watering holes” I would have stopped by to kill the time.  Instead I opened “The Big Book,” and reviewed the 12 Steps.  I was determined to make this program work – I felt I didn’t have many other choices at that time.

While at Hazelden we were required to “take” the first 5 steps, and I felt real good about that.  So, I opened the book to Step 6, and began:

“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”

“Okay,” I thought to myself, “easy enough.”  I had been ‘beat up’ so bad this was easy.  “Go ahead God, take all my character defects from me – I don’t need them anymore.”  Now that wasn’t so hard, on to Step 7.

“Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.”

So I look around and seeing I was somewhat alone, I closed my eyes, folded my hands and prayed, “God, please remove these shortcomings of mine – I’ve had enough of them…”  Great!  Now I am up to Step 8!

“Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”

“Well, lets see here – most of the folks I ‘harmed’ were in the Air Force,” I thought to myself, not even for a moment considering the hurt or harm I brought to my family, or my closest friends… And so, on to Step 9.

“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

“Well, hell, most these folks are in the Air Force, or ‘gone.’  So, what’s the point?” I wondered.   And now, on to Step 10.

“Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.”

I was just ‘contemplating’ this when they called for boarding.  I don’t think I understood what they were saying anyway.  Saved!  Or, so I thought…

After I ‘made my nest’ on the airplane I managed to review and ‘complete’ Steps 11 and 12 on the flight from Minneapolis to Detroit.

“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and he power to carry that out.”

“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

Got off the airplane feeling pretty good about myself!  Pink cloud.  Then I learned how much God does love drunks, and fools!  Got those both covered – but now, after 19 years, I am beginning to “see the light.”  And for that, I am grateful…

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The Sweedish Girls, Again…

Don’t listen to ‘the Sweedish Girls,’ when staring too hard at this picture…

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I learned the ‘hard way,’ and still haven’t learned…

 

 

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Growing Up Without Adult Supervision

I pulled this comment of Brain’s from a recent post here on LPB, “The Ramey AFB O’Club Pool.”  It captures the “essence” of my youth:

“Jeez, I swam there almost every day from 1961-1964!   Used to go to swimming practice at like 5 in the morning by myself.   Yes we’d wander the base completely unattended.   Go to the beach.   Where ever we wished.”

I can say this of living at Kadena (’53 – ’55), Davis-Monthan (DM) (’55 – ’57) or Ramey (’57 – 60.)  I had a childhood that was magic!  Probably not much unlike of many other “Brats.”

At Kadena, we played in the “boonies,” that we were told not to go into.  The habu’s didn’t mind.  At DM I played on obsolete airplanes in the ‘Boneyard,’ that we were told to stay out of.  And I logged my first (and only) 12 “Kills” in those old airplanes!  And at Ramey, we dug for lead at the firing range, we were told to stay away from.  Melted down that lead made great fishing weights.  Westover (’60 – ’62) was kinda boring, but at Chambley AFB, France, (’62 – ’63) we played in blown up WW II German bunkers.  Of course, they were “Off limits!”  And I (we) survived without continued “adult supervision!”  How did I (we) do that?

We didn’t destroy things as kids; we just played – outside!  From when Mom tossed us out of the house until the street lights came on.  Or maybe a little longer on clear nights when we would lay in the grass and stare at the stars…

Reflecting upon my childhood saddens me when I think about my grand kids.  They will never know the freedoms or the liberties I had as a kid.  Too damned many people these days “protecting them” for their own good!  Too much damned control!  If I were a kid today I would be incarcerated (for my own protection) by 3rd grade!  At 9 I was carrying my own pocket knife – and I carried one until “9/11.”

So, rather than anguish what my grand kids will never have, what they will never know, I tend to retreat into the recess of my mind, and savor the childhood I had…

“Play dates?”  Katie, Delaney, Garrett, Riley, Noah and Evan are SO screwed!  And they will never know it…

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Fine Dining at Red Robin

We have a chain of burger joints here in NW Ohio, “Red Robin.”  They serve good burgers, and great fries.  A while back, my “Burger Low Level” light came on, so I stopped by to rectify the problem.

When my server came up she asked what I wanted so I told her, “A cheeseburger, with fires.”

“And, how would you like your burger,” she asked.

“Medium rare,” I replied.

“Oh, we don’t serve burgers medium rare, Sir,” she told me.

“Why not?”

“Well Sir, it’s for your own protection.”  Of course it is – isn’t everything today?

So, I just sat there, staring at the menu, somewhat astounded.

“Sir?” she asked again.

“Well,” I replied, “I don’t know what I want, now.  I thought I wanted a medium-rare burger.  I have a master’s degree in management, have flown ‘fast-moving’ jets for years – I kinda thought that I would know what I wanted – but I guess I don’t.  This is distressing – not knowing what I want for lunch.  Maybe they shouldn’t allow me out of the home unsupervised.”  And I just looked up at her, with a somewhat perplexed look on my face…

Now she was becoming distressed!  So I asked her, “Where is your manager?”

She pointed to this “kid” standing about 20 feet away; a guy in a tie, looking pretty.  I then told her, “Why don’t you just go over to him, and the 2 of you take a hard look at me for a bit.  Then you two decide what I want.  It doesn’t matter to me anymore – I obviously, don’t know what the hell I am thinking!”

“Sir?” she asked, not quite believing what I just told her.

“I’m serious, it doesn’t matter anymore.  Just like at the home, just bring something to me you two think I would like – except oatmeal.  I am tired of oatmeal.”

And so, off she went. ..

I was dying inside, watching those two!   And not long after their conference, my lunch arrived – a medium-rare cheeseburger, with fries!

(Thanks John, for the inspiration to write this story… its been ‘in here’ for a while!)

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The Return to Say “Thank You”

In early September 1957 we moved into our quarters on “D” Street at Ramey AFB, Puerto Rico.  I remember that first bright, sunny Thursday, when Mom came home from the Commissary with a trunk load of groceries.  As I was helping her unload, she told me I was going to catechism on Saturday.

“Well, okay then,” I replied, “what’s catechism?”  And she went on to explain it was Lutheran instruction for confirmation.  I didn’t ask her what ‘confirmation’ was at the time – I didn’t want to look too dumb!

For the next 3 years I attended Lutheran Catechism every Saturday morning; and beginning the 3rd year, I went twice a week – Thursdays and and Saturdays.  The pastor was Chaplain Martin Baumgaertner – what a great name for a Lutheran  minister!  And he made the instruction so much fun!  I still remember the stories… I think I may have only missed 2 or 3 classes over the 3 years.

At Confirmation, Chaplain Baumgaertner told us that at some point in our lives most of us would walk away from the church.  I remember sitting there in the pew that morning, praying that it wouldn’t be me who walked away, but somehow knowing that I would…

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In June 1994 I was ‘bankrupt.’  Physically, morally, emotionally and almost financially.  Every morning I would wake up and ask God, “God, please don’t let me drink today – only to open my first Bud Light by 0830 0r 0900!”  And I would drink all day until I passed out – usually 22 – 24 cans of Bud Light.  And the next day, it would all begin all over again…

Somehow I found my way into a local Lutheran Church one morning, here in Whitehouse, OH.  I had no where else to go…

I managed to quit drinking, but I was nowhere “sober.”  For many years I fought “Bob.”  I don’t think I actually “hit bottom” until well after I quit drinking.  I didn’t know how to “surrender,” nor do I think I wanted to.  I didn’t want to drink – I had proved to myself for many, many years that Bud Light could kick my ass – I just wanted to die…

I once got to the point of actually grabbing a weapon to commit suicide.  As I sat in a Metro Park down by the river, I considered 3 options: 1. pulling the trigger, 2. drinking and 3. getting honest with myself.  I first ruled out drinking as I sure as hell didn’t want to play “Stump the Dummy” with alcohol counsellors again.  The first time was rough enough.

Considering suicide, the lessons of my catechism kept coming back to me.  I knew it is a cardinal sin to take one’s own life, and the last thing I wanted to do was piss off God.

So I sat there for over 2 hours, languishing in so much anger and angst; all I wanted to do was die.  And I was so angry at God for not allowing me to die!  And through it all, through all my anguish, that chapel at Ramey sat peacefully in my mind.  I knew from the lessons of my childhood, that my life was not mine to take…

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This meant that I had ‘to get honest’ with myself, my last option.  And probably the toughest.  Damn…

So, one of these days, I will find my way back to Ramey – to sit quietly in that chapel, to just say, “Thank You…”  I am so grateful today for discarding Options 1 and 2.

(Thanks Julian, for the picture of ‘my church.’)

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No Habba Chicken Eggs

When we flew into Saigon, in C-141s, we would often stop by the flightline cafeteria for breakfast or lunch as the aircraft was offloaded and uploaded with cargo.  At that cafeteria they had this little “mama-san,” perhaps in her early 40’s or so.  She would look up at yo and ask, all in one word, “”Watchuwant?”

Need to take a moment here to explain, the “Oriental mind” operates in a different plane that those of us in the Western culture.  Doesn’t make it “right,” or “wrong;” just different.  Knowing this, this one day we decided to have some fun.

The ‘AC,’ stepped up and told her he wanted an order of ‘chicken eggs.’  She came back at him with, “No habba chicken eggs.  Habba fried eggs, scrambled eggs, eggs ah-over easy – no habba chicken eggs.”  The AC then ordered what-ever.

I was next up to the counter.  “Watchuwant?” she asked.

“Oh,” I replied, “I’ll have an order of chicken eggs.”

“NO habba chicken eggs,” she exclaimed.  “Habba fried eggs, habba scrambled eggs,” and so forth.  I gave her my order and stepped aside for the Nav (navigator) to order.

“Whatchuwant? she asked.

“Oh, I’ll have an order of chicken eggs” he replied.

At this time her temperature began to exceed the temperature on the ramp!  She was becoming HOT!

Acting oblivious to it all while in line, the flight engineer and loadmaster also ordered “chicken eggs” when came their turn to order.  By the time we left, she was ‘on fire!’  I don’t speak Vietnamese, but I can imagine:  “Stupid Americans!  No wonder they are ‘rosing’ war!  How do they fry jets?”  And so forth…

On our way back out to the jet, we past another crew, heading to the cafeteria.  We pulled them aside and told them the “chicken eggs” that morning were OUTSTANDING!

And we wonder, “Why do they hate us so much?”

(Now I’m off to the kitchen – to fix an order of chicken eggs…)

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The Swedish Girls

I awoke around midnight the other night.  No particular reason, I just woke up.  Not wanting to just lay there wondering why I couldn’t sleep, I turned on the TV and found Letterman.  He was just introducing the group, “First Aid Kit.”  I don’t know why but their song, “Emmylou” grabbed me right away.

After they played I turned off the TV but their song stayed with me – and it has been with me ever since.  I don’t know why, but their music just speaks to my soul.  And frequently these days, ‘The Swedish Girls’ will walk through my mind with their song, “Emmylou.”  They visited me here this morning, just 10 minutes ago…

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Our Town

I don’t know if I can ever fully appreciate how Johannes Holliger must have felt that early spring day in April 1833, as he readied himself to leave his home in Rein, Switzerland.  Johannes was 30 years old, and I suspect, jobless.  His father had died when he was four, leaving him, his mother and his younger brother virtually in poverty.  At any rate, Johannes ‘walked away from it all’ to come to America, to the “Promise Land,” in search of a new life.  In his heart, he probably knew he would never see his family again….

More than likely, he traveled north up the Aare and Rhine Rivers to Amsterdam before securing passage to America.  Our family history reflects that he entered the United States in Washington DC in 1833.  From the east coast he made his way to Northwest Ohio.  At that time the Black Swamp was being drained and there was land available for homesteading.  On his discharge from military service in 1828, Johannes listed his occupation as “Landmann.”  I think he was more of a farm laborer than a farmer;  but I also believe it was in his soul to be a farmer.

He married Eve Cripliver in 1834 and they subsequently settled on a property just east of Whitehouse, Ohio, on Cemetery Road.  I imagine they had to clear the land of trees, brush and critters before they could build a home or farm the property.  At any rate, 10 children were born to Eve and Johannes on the family homestead between 1838 and 1856.  Johannes passed away in 1881, a very wealthy man I reckon.  Not particularly wealthy in the material sense, but certainly in the spiritual sense.  From modest beginnings, Johannes was truly blessed.

John Holliker (my great grandfather) was born on the family homestead in 1846.  He was the fifth child of Eve and Johannes Holliger.  In 1882, John’s siblings deeded the Holliger Homestead to him for the sum of $ 1.00.  John was 36 at the time.  He then married Lydia A. Richter in 1884.  (Bear with me a minute here; although there is no sex or violence in it, this story is going somewhere!)  John farmed and worked his property until his ‘premature’ death at 90 in 1936 – he was knocked over by a train on his way home from church one evening.

John, like his father Johannes, loved that property, and he too, loved being a farmer.  As Johannes grew older, John became ‘the Man;’ farming and caring for his parents.  That explains why his brothers and sisters signed over the property for just a dollar, and why perhaps, he married later in life.

In 1890, Lydia became sick and John moved his family into town, into Whitehouse.  However, he continued to work the farm.  At sunrise he would walk out on the tracks of the Wabash Railroad to the family homestead, work all day, and then head back into town in the evenings.  I was told he worked this way well into his eighties.  As his hearing failed, the train engineers would often have to stop the train, and get John off the tracks before proceeding on.

I have had an intense interest in my family heritage for quite some time.  From my teenage years, I have collected various bits and pieces of our family memorabilia.  Over the past 10 years or so, I have been exploring our family history.  Last week I met with a Whitehouse historian and began quizzing him about the Holliger Homestead.  I wanted to know where the original house stood.  He brought out an old county map of Waterville Township from 1875, and showed me exactly where the house stood.  He said it wasn’t much of a house and it sat on an elevated portion of the property.

Last Saturday night I decided to walk out to the old homestead from Whitehouse, retracing John’s path out the old Wabash Railroad.  It was a clear, warm evening with a light trace of wind.  It took about 25 minutes, as I was not in any particular hurry.  As I walked along, I wondered what John might have looked at, what he might have thought about as he made his many trips out and back on that railway.  The portion of the property I wanted to see is now a llama farm.  As I walked up the driveway, toward the barn, a woman tending the animals met me.  I sensed she viewed me with suspicion and I knew she was not ‘of Whitehouse.’  After I explained the purpose of my visit she was very cordial.  She pointed to an elevated place, just south of the existing barn, where the old house stood.  The site is surrounded by trees, and the old well is still there.  I was elated!  After all those years of research, I was going to be able to stand where my ancestors once lived!  I could almost ‘sense’ the house; I could almost hear an old creaking windmill, and I felt warmth from unknown, yet familiar spirits.  I felt ‘home,’ really home – for the first time in my life!

Then, in the next breath, the woman told me, “You know, the property has been sold.  It is being developed for 38 new spacious, country home sites.”  At that moment, I felt as if my soul had been cored!  I don’t know if she saw it in me or not, but I wanted to walk up to where that house sat, and I wanted ‘to go away from it all.’  I wanted to be embraced by the spirits I felt and ‘taken away…’

I have never lived on that homestead, yet I am of that homestead.  When I think of it, it is with quiet reverence, and deep respect.  When I think of it ‘being developed,’ it saddens me…. However, I am grateful that neither Johannes nor John will ever have to witness the ‘progress’ on the property they both loved so much.  That house may not have been much of anything, but I would give all I have for just 1 chicken dinner with those folks of yesterday….

So, it is with this adaptation of an Iris Dement song, “Our Town,” I say ‘goodnight…’

“And ya know the sun’s setting fast
And just like they say, nothing good ever lasts.
Go on now, and kiss it goodbye
But hold on to your lover, ‘cause your heart’s bound to die…
Go on now and say goodbye, to our land…to our land.
Can’t you see the sun’s setting down on our land, on our land
…Goodnight.

Up the tracks, in the small little town
In a house next to Homer’s, is where I was first laid down
In the Whitehouse Inn, I had a few beers,
It’s been fifty years and I’m still here.
Its here I learned to swim and I had my first kiss
I’ve walked up Providence Street in the cool morning mist.
Over there is where I kept my first car
I loved that old Packard, and it carried me far.

I’ve lived virtually everywhere
Yet belonging nowhere.
And forever I’ve been drawn to this small, little town
To where I was first laid down.
John and Johannes are asleep over there
Across from the homestead they worked with care.
I think about them about every day
But I got to cry when I think what they’d say.
If they could see the sun setting fast on their land…

Now I sit on the porch and watch the lightening bugs fly
But I can’t see too good, I got tears in my eyes
I’m leaving tomorrow but I don’t want to go,
I love you my land, you’ll always live in my soul.
But I can see the sun setting’ fast
And just like they say, nothing good ever lasts…

Go on, I got to kiss you goodbye
But I’ll hold on to my lover ‘cause my heart’s ‘bout to die
Go on now and say goodbye to our land, …to our land
I can see the sun’s gone down on our land, on our land
Goodnight….goodnight…

Bobby Holliker
July 2001

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