A Retiree’s Last trip to Kroger’s… (J)

Yesterday I was at my local Kroger’s Store buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog.  I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  Really?

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I’m retired and having little else to do, on impulse I told her that no, that I didn’t have a dog – that I was starting the ‘Purina Diet’ again.  I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time I was on their diet.  But I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food had poisoned me.  I told her, “No, after I peed on a fire hydrant, I stopped in the road to lick my balls, and a car nailed me.”

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Kroger’s won’t let me shop there anymore.  Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

(My friend Don sent this to me with this comment: “This has to be you, Bob!”  LOL!)

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