My Crazy-Ass Neighbor…

Let me tell you about my ‘crazy-ass’ neighbor…

Lauri and Gary moved in next door to me maybe 21 years ago or so; in 1992 – ’93.  I really liked Gary right away; Lauri, not so much.  My “defensive senses” activated right away when I met her although I didn’t understand why.  Today, I do…

Gary committed suicide about 3 years ago.  I think it was ruled “justifiable suicide.”  It’s a shame because I genuinely liked the guy.  He was smart, and could really make me laugh!

After he died Lauri moved back in with her new boyfriend Dave.  (She had moved out about 3 years prior.)  I like him also.  Anyway, late last summer she picked up a new dog – a pit bull – boxer mix.  Great!  And ever since that dog has been a pup she has been unable to control him.

Last Fall I asked her if she could keep him from coming over to my place and raising hell with my dog, Jake.  He’s not mean, he just races around everywhere, tearing up things as he goes.  She agreed to do what she could, telling me that she was unable to control him.  And for a couple months, the dog stayed (for the most part) in her yard.

Then over the winter, the dog began coming over here again, barking at me as I cleaned snow from my driveway.  Charming.  All winter; bark, bark, bark…

This Spring I once again asked her to keep ‘Fido,’ or whatever it’s name is, over in her yard – and for 3 weeks or so, no problem.  Then it began “free-ranging” in my yard again.

To her credit, Lauri would come over and try to fetch the dog.  Occasionally she would catch him, then beat the shit out of him – in my front yard.  You probably haven’t had the experience of having the sun blocked out of your bay window by a crazy-ass neighbor bending over beating her dog in your front yard!  It was almost as dark in my living room as a solar eclipse!

Then one day it really raised hell over here.  Racing though all my gardens, terrifying my chickens and taking after one of my pheasants.  By then I had had enough, so I called the Sheriff.

A deputy came, then had a talk with her – and now, all is well…. well, almost.  Guess I pissed her off.

I have bee hives in back, behind my pond.  To get to them, I’ve had to use a trail in the woods that begins on her property.  It hasn’t been a problem, until I reported ‘Fido!’

She never said anything to me, she just hung a rope across the trail.

IMG_2279 So, last Saturday evening I just stepped over it as I went out to check my hives.  She was out in the yard and I heard her say (to Fido, I suppose), “You can go get him, he’s in your yard.”  (And exactly ‘when’ did Fido buy the place?)  I ignored her.

Then last Sunday a sign was added to the rope:


“Posted, No Trespassing”  Now I am set up…

Going around the pond no the East end has always been a bit tricky.  When they pond was built, they just used a bulldozer to push the dirt to the East, leaving a hill.  That hill begins on the edge of the pond, at the property line.  Well, okay…

Unfortunately, the pond goes on to Lauri’s property on the West side… Not by much, but enough to deny me land access to the back of my property, and the hives.  So… last weekend I cut a trail on the hill.  (I’m calling it “The Ho Chi Minh Trail.”)

IMG_2296And a lovely trail it is!  “Trailblazer,” I now have to add that to my list of accomplishments here on this Earth!  As it turns out, it’s now a shorter walk back to the hives…

To complete the project, I had a sign made:


LMFAO – Laughing My Fu*king Ass Off (With a Happy Face, of course!)

If she takes it “personal,” well that’s okay – it’s meant to be!  Now I just have to have a few more signs made:

“No Fishing” – she has never had any respect for boundaries…

“No Using MY boat anymore” – the first time she took it out on the pond, she broke an oar for me.

“No Stealing My Raspberries” – she came over one year and took ALL my raspberries – all but 9 of them!

She has made a BIG mistake entering a “sign war” with me!  LOL!


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2 Responses to My Crazy-Ass Neighbor…

  1. John R says:

    Dear Lauri:

    Lady, I am sorry for you. You and Fido picked the wrong person with whom to fight a battle. You see, Lauri, he was trained to fight a battle — a three-dimensional battle. He studied the tactics on how not to lose. He read Clausewitz, Patton, Napoleon, Doolittle and others. If you don’t know who these people were, it’s too late for you my lady.

    I might suggest a settlement proposition.

    First, never let Phydeaux harrass Bob or his pets, never ever again.

    Second, take down your silly sign. Unless Bob craps in the path or throws his empty Coke can on your property, all will be well.

    Third, don’t attempt to take advantage of Bob’s berries. Warriors are very protective of their “berries”.

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