As a Father I wasn’t ‘always there’ for the kids. No excuses, my choices – at the time. However, ‘alcoholism’ – probably an explanation.
I always wanted to be a Father; to show my Dad that you didn’t have to beat the shit out of your kids to be a ‘good father.’ But as the years passed, I shied away from the kids. I could see that I was becoming more and more like my dad – an alcoholic himself. And I was afraid. I was afraid that the ‘anger’ I carried would manifest itself like Dear Ole Dad’s with me – the beatings. And I detested that… So, I isolated.
In sobriety I’m ‘connecting.’ I’m ‘re-connecting’ with my kids, and ‘connecting’ with my grandkids. It’s a slow process, but I’m getting there. And I am enjoying it so much.
One of the ways I am sensing this ‘connection’ is through sanding. Yes, sanding – sanding the canoe I am building for Noah, and the sanding of projects for the other kids…
I have always allowed my ‘feelings’ to creep out while I am woodworking. I suppose it’s “safe” as I am often alone with my thoughts out in the shop. You just don’t find a lot of volunteers when it comes to sanding…
Yesterday as I was sanding the canoe I thought of the “labor of love” I was engaged in – for it truly is a labor of love. And now, I can’t wait to sit him in the canoe and teach him how to operate it.
I heading back out there soon, to continue sanding – and to spend a little more time with Noah.
(One thing I have wondered about though is why my grandfather never built a “chick-magnet” for me?)