Last night we received word of Robin Williams (apparent) suicide. Tragic.
As you might imagine the News is all over this story this morning. Tributes; for sure. Speculation; all over the place. Reviews of his work; almost non-stop.
One of the sound bites that caught my attention this morning is what he said about ‘sadness.’ Holy crap I can relate… that damn sadness! Gawd damn it – that sadness – ever lurking in my shadows.
My last visit was maybe 6 months or so ago, in early April – just before my 50th high school reunion. I was wondering, “What’s the point of it all?” But somehow I found the inspiration to attend the reunion – and that made a huge impact on me. I am beginning to see the ‘point of it all.’ It’s not at all, ‘about me;’ it’s about being there for others.
Last summer I began the “BratPin” project; an initiative to recognize and honor Military Brats for their – for our – service to our nation. I have received many kind comments for my efforts. What these folks, what these Brats don’t realize is, they are saving my life – that it is me who is so grateful. With every comment I feel embraced by an extended family. I feel ‘love,’ something I have avoided for so many, many years… just maybe there is ‘love’ in this world for me?
Beverly, an early sponsor of mine, told me that suicide is the ultimate “fuck you.” And I believe it. I have been to it’s threshold, many times. And it sucks…
I had a counsellor who just sat back and looked at me one day, just grinning at me. He sat there for perhaps a minute or so, just grinning. Then he said, “Bob, we’ve been working together for the better part of 3 years now, and I can’t determine if you are the simplest person I have ever worked with, or the most complex.” I heard that again this morning, as someone was describing Robin Williams. You might think it ‘funny,’ but sometimes it isn’t. It can be tormenting at times. Behind the mask of the “Happy Bob.”
I have often lamented that I would have loved the opportunity to sit down with Robin and Jonathan Winters at an outside restaurant table somewhere, and just “had a go” with them. No, I am not anywhere as “quick” as either of those two, but it would have been fun (for me) to have tried!
This morning I am a ‘bit’ sad, but not enough to descend back into my own personal Hell today. More than ‘sad,’ I am grateful – grateful this morning that it wasn’t me…