Hiding No More, Forever…

‘Hiding’ has been a survival tool of mine for what seems, forever.  I don’t know if I have ever lived a day without hiding from someone, or something…. It’s a ‘character defect’ of mine.  It’s a character defect that until now, until today, I have been unable, or unwilling, to give up.  In my mind, hiding was a technique to ‘protect’ me from hurt and pain.  Today I am so tired of hiding.  It consumes too much energy.  I am tired… today, for this moment; I know what it means ‘to surrender.’

I ‘learned’ to hide as a child, to keep from being hurt by the ones who may have loved me the most – my parents.  My father was a very compassionate and generous man.  He was also a very angry and violent man.  He was a drunk.  He could be funny and kind one moment, then, mad as hell the next for some totally insignificant issue.  The absolute rage in him was frightening.  I never knew ‘which’ dad I was dealing with, consequently I began to create ‘hiding places’ and ‘escape routes’ to protect myself.  Mom was of very little help, as she had to protect herself; I suppose so she could protect us.  So there you have it, a snapshot of my family environment in the mid-50’s.  Ward and June (Cleaver) lived on another planet.

In the late 50’s and early 60’s, I hid by isolating.  Whenever the ‘family’ would plan an outing I would have homework to do, or leaves to rake.  Raking leaves or other yard work were chores Dad was always more than willing to let me do, and I didn’t mind it as it kept me out of ‘Harm’s Way’ for a few hours.  (And if I did a decent job, I might, perhaps just might, receive a kind word from him… then again, it wasn’t ever ‘good enough.’)

As I stumbled into my teenage years I had developed two layers of ‘hide’ that allowed me to hide; isolating and escaping (running away).  This was my way of developing ‘thick skin’ to protect the fragile, sensitive, worthless person I knew I was.  About this time I learned something else about myself; I didn’t particularly enjoy being beat up by bullies.  I suppose by then I subconsciously felt that ‘beatings’ were personal and intimate in nature.  It was my Dad’s way of showing me he loved me.  (Sometimes I wished he hadn’t loved me so much!)  To be beat up by a stranger was humiliating.  And so I began to develop another layer of ‘hide’; I began to develop a ‘passive/aggressive’ personality.  From my perspective, bullies tend to be only ‘half bright.’  I found I could ‘befriend’ them; gain their confidence, then ‘smoke them’ without them ever being aware of where the heat came from.  It became a game for me I suppose, a sick game I came to enjoy well into my adult years.  In my adolescent years I used my ‘passive/aggressive’ behavior to cope with physical bullies; in my adult years I used the behavior to deal with authoritarian bullies.

In my college years I added another layer of ‘hide’, one of fantasy.  Pat Conroy, in his book The Great Santini says it best: “The children of violent men develop vivid powers of fantasy.”  I can really relate here; I have lived in fantasy for the better part of my adult life.  It was another way to hide.  I have become so skilled at fantasy I can hardly decipher it from reality today….

To keep my ‘hides’ pliable, I discovered and used alcohol.  And for 30+ years now, alcohol has kept the madness going.  With the alcohol and my layers of hide, I was able to exist for the better part of my adult years.  I was able to ‘survive.’  Today now, I want to live…

Just coming into the fellowship (of AA) does not instantaneously and/or totally relieve us of the insanity.  It takes awareness, it takes acceptance and it takes a willingness to change.  It also takes courage to change.

Over the past year, as I have worked on exploring how I form relationships, with both men and women, I have discovered my propensity for hiding.  It has been quite a revelation to say the least.  Today I am exhausted!  The weight of my ‘hides’ is too much to bear anymore.  It’s now time I face my fears and insecurities with truth and trust and begin shedding the layers of my hide.  There’s a neat little kid in here that’s screaming to get out and for the first time in his life, be himself.  If you want to know about surrender, have a cup of coffee with me.  Today, I will hide no more, forever…


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